Judging eyes

Recently, my friend told me a story.

A few of my friends from my hometown were eating at Panera in Athens after a night of debauchery a while back and in a state of extreme haziness/hangover from God knows what, E says,

“I feel like my eyes are looking inside of me and judging me.”

It may be an absurd statement…but in moments of complete absence of sobriety, some very compelling thoughts have occured to me as well, and I find that to be a wise observation.  Maybe because I relate to that statement very very much at the moment.

I can’t remember the quote or who I heard it from.. but I read somewhere that some of our greatest falls happen around times of much growth. Uncanny, huh? It’s the times when you least expect it to happen.

Well.. let’s just say I feel like a disappointment. I don’t pretend to be anyone I am not. I am human and I am a sinner just like everyone else, I am by no means perfect. But I pray and work diligently to avoid the pitfalls I know I am prone to.

I don’t always succeed… And sometimes I think I am almost intentional..it’s as if I say to myself, “I see this here hole in the ground. Usually I carefully avoid these holes, but today I’m going to dive in head first and later I’ll be mournful and full of shame.” That is the worst possible pitfall in existence. One that is fully acknowledged, accepted and realized as it is happening.

I don’t want to hide who I am.. but I would be supremely embarrassed and humiliated for some of the people I really care about to know about my slip ups. Is this stemming from my pride?

I’ve got two sides…and only one can win. There is a party animal who is dying to get out…and I usually keep her locked up in a cage where she is not fed..but occasionally she gets feisty and hungry and I pop the gate open and let her out to roam.. OOPS.

Time to stop fretting about those judging eyes and the eyes who might and will judge. Time to start concerning myself with the eyes of the only one who matters…the one who loves me absolutely and fully, despite my flaws and…poor decisions.