I’ve got a sweet tooth the size of Texas

I went exploring today.

It was a field trip for my mind and imagination. I think the grown up world is too sheltered. Children allow their minds to roam fields and meadows and frolic happily with flowers in their hair. And I for one am determined to never let my mind “grow up,” if it means sacrificing my imagination and childlike wonder for the world around me. 

There were so many beautiful homes in the neighborhoods I passed through. It’s nice when you get a chance to slow down and just take it all in. 

I’m no photographer. But I like to document–just for me. I don’t do it for anyone else. 

So here’s a little story of what I saw today–

  A pretty mosaic wall, 

   not too short and not too tall.

   designed with broken plates,

   pieces of glass and bottles,

  put together to create a demonstration of our fates.

   A love wide and a love strong. 

   A love that brings our community together.

  This wall is our heart’s cry, our mission and our song.

then I came upon a shoe.

I do not know its story. 

nor do I know quite where it hailed from,

but it caught my eye,

what with its colorful and energetic vibe.

I thought, “well, hello shoe. nice to see your pretty self in the neighborhood today.”

Little shoe did not respond. But I think if she had, she would’ve said,

“What it is gurl! You is lookin fly today. So good to see you as always,”

And that would have been that, as I moved along to the bookstore to lose myself again.

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June 29, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Sometimes I get lonely

It’s true. Yes, I do. 

I get all weird and moody and kind of lonely, but I don’t think it’s really loneliness, because it can strike when I’m surrounded by people too. Maybe it’s a weird hormonal thing. 

I can vibe with it and have some of my best moments of creativity and inspiration, but sometimes I just get really down and mopey and I can’t really explain why. These things strike without much reason… things can be going great and I’m just so upset. 

I wonder if this is what depression is like? I sure hope I’m not clinically depressed. How depressing would that be, eh? So ironic. hah 

I think really the best cure is sleep. My racing mind is not good left to its own devices. The human mind is an incomprehensible thing…it is so intricate and involved. The mind is dangerous and when left to wander and roam on its own.. dangerous deeds can be done to a person inside. I think perhaps, it is better to create a roadblock and not allow the mind to travel some places.

June 26, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Wide Open Spaces

For years and years, I have had this little picture in my head that to me embodies pure happiness and freedom. I go back to it all the time in my subconcious, without really giving it much thought. I guess you might call it your “happy place,” although that sounds a bit hokey. It’s an image of yourself in a split second at your very best and most radiant…doing whatever you love most.

     For me- that image is of myself dancing in a meadow with a chain of daisies in my hair, spinning round and round and making my skirt twirl around me. There are pretty trees and the sun is shining. A butterfly rests on my head and I look into the sky and smile and thank God I’m alive. There might even be a small cuddly animal around. This is my heaven.

     I think that everyone, if they take the time to really think about it, can identify what their little heaven is. I believe in this. And I will experience that “heaven” in this life. Maybe I will discover it this summer… I just want to frolick in that meadow forever and forget about life outside. Forget about all worries and heartache. I will just keep dancing and dancing, picking flowers and singing.

May 31, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Grand Inquisitor

I have so many friends who are extremely talented artists. Photographers, dancers, musicians, singers, writers… every form of art that exists. I admire them all so much. But, being a writer myself, I find myself frustrated with the notion of originality.

They say there is nothing new under the sun.

This seems to be the case.. and this depresses me. Because as an artist, one is always striving to produce something totally new, and completely different from anything that has ever existed before its time. To be told this is an impossibility is quite a let down. I believe that what artists do is try to defy the laws of nature themselves. Much like a scientist striving to disprove a theory or a mathematician seeking to solve an unsolveable equation.

Can it be done? I do not know… But I am a bit of an idealist and I hold onto a flickering of belief that newness can be created, although it may just be an adaption or embellishment of an old idea. I think that as artists, we will never tire of this journey and never give up on this quest.

Ponce de Leon may have never found the fountain of youth. But I wholeheartedly believe that he believed it was out there and he never wavered in that belief. I believe that he continued to search for it until his very last day…and likewise,

Indian Gypsy

artists will continue to grasp at the unkown and new until the ends of the earth.

May 21, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Judging eyes

Recently, my friend told me a story.

A few of my friends from my hometown were eating at Panera in Athens after a night of debauchery a while back and in a state of extreme haziness/hangover from God knows what, E says,

“I feel like my eyes are looking inside of me and judging me.”

It may be an absurd statement…but in moments of complete absence of sobriety, some very compelling thoughts have occured to me as well, and I find that to be a wise observation.  Maybe because I relate to that statement very very much at the moment.

I can’t remember the quote or who I heard it from.. but I read somewhere that some of our greatest falls happen around times of much growth. Uncanny, huh? It’s the times when you least expect it to happen.

Well.. let’s just say I feel like a disappointment. I don’t pretend to be anyone I am not. I am human and I am a sinner just like everyone else, I am by no means perfect. But I pray and work diligently to avoid the pitfalls I know I am prone to.

I don’t always succeed… And sometimes I think I am almost intentional..it’s as if I say to myself, “I see this here hole in the ground. Usually I carefully avoid these holes, but today I’m going to dive in head first and later I’ll be mournful and full of shame.” That is the worst possible pitfall in existence. One that is fully acknowledged, accepted and realized as it is happening.

I don’t want to hide who I am.. but I would be supremely embarrassed and humiliated for some of the people I really care about to know about my slip ups. Is this stemming from my pride?

I’ve got two sides…and only one can win. There is a party animal who is dying to get out…and I usually keep her locked up in a cage where she is not fed..but occasionally she gets feisty and hungry and I pop the gate open and let her out to roam.. OOPS.

Time to stop fretting about those judging eyes and the eyes who might and will judge. Time to start concerning myself with the eyes of the only one who matters…the one who loves me absolutely and fully, despite my flaws and…poor decisions.

May 11, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Hakuna Matata. at rest with the chaos inside.

So I’ll be transparent. 

1. because nobody reads this, I am fairly certain of that.

2. because even if they did. I really wouldn’t mind. and kudos to them for finding me the least bit intriguing or intelligent enough to even care. I’m not a big secret keeper. I will truthfully answer any question someone might ask me. 

And in my transparency, I will say that today was marvelous. This week was marvelous. I pretty much live everyday of my life with joy. No, not happiness. But joy. Because everyday I do not wake up happy. Happiness is a state of emotion, whereas joy is a choice. I choose to be joyful. Everyday. Although it may not seem like it sometimes, I try. 

      However, marvelous as it was and is, I am really really struggling with this beast inside. It’s been a very emotion ridden year in dealing with this…not that it hasn’t always been. But finally admitting to a problem and seeking help means facing the demons inside, and do you really think facing demons sounds like a load of fun? Hell, no. 

       It’s freaking hard. And I’m not complaining about it either. It just seems like a battle that I can’t win no matter which side I join. Like The Never Ending Story…. (loved those movies as a kid, by the way). Part of me so desperately wants to give myself over to Him completely and let Him heal me… to live my life according to Biblical standards and not struggle with something that to others seems so trivial. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. And wept. And I’m embarrassed. I am a miserable filthy human and I can’t even describe how deplorable and stupid I feel. But I can’t help my nature and the way I feel and who I am. And I cannot escape it. I have been praying for a change of heart. I am trying to fully release myself and give myself over to God, but I think as much as I want that and as hard as I’ve prayed… I can’t relinquish myself.

         I keep thinking… 

What if God wants me fat?

What if God’s idea of beautiful doesn’t fit my definition?

What if I’m supposed to stay the way I am…?

What if? What if? What if?

    I can’t handle those questions… because the answers scare me. I know the whole point is to accept myself where I am now. and that is that. But I can’t. I never have. Never have. Not since maybe the age of 8. I can’t just do it. It’s not that easy. I have my perception of beauty and ideals and I cannot alter it. I just don’t think it is possible anyway. Besides that, I do not want to change it. I want to want to change…but I don’t. Sketchy concept, I know. But that’s how it is. I’m always at one end of the spectrum. The happy medium absolutely does not exist. Because I wouldn’t be happy medium, I’d want to be happy extra small. You see what I mean?

        What the hell is wrong with me? 

That’s why I find it so embarrassing. There are way bigger problems in the world, even in the community, and I’m concerned with this? OK. Yeah. I am a piece of crap for that. People are dying of starvation and AIDS and I am terrified of bearing my gut and muffin tops on family vacation because the sight of myself makes me cry. This is making me more depressed. So I’m going to end. And hope that no one ever wastes their time reading this.

        Because that other part of me says… 

Hey, what if you could make it work this time? What if you have enough will power and self control to finally reach your goal? What if you stop being a fat cow and do what you’re supposed to? You could have everything you’ve ever wanted. 

Which voice is going to win? Neither right now, I feel like. Either voice lets the other one down. But one voice is skinny and one voice is fat… 

My heart has relied on the skinny voice for so long and still remained fat…yet I keep trusting the skinny voice. Only the Lord knows why, when she keeps letting me down. But maybe this time…she won’t.

May 1, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Walk Away

Sometimes I wonder where I really am… because I seem to hover in the space between jaded and always up for another go, and ready to make myself vulnerable again. 

      Somehow though; I think my troubled heart is always extremely optimistic, but at the back of my mind I keep a note to myself that says, “this person will eventually let you down and leave you.” Because in my life… that has always been the case.

       Of course there are the constants. My sweet precious family who I adore so much. And that would be all. There have been no other constants. Even those I feel the strongest bonds and inclinations toward let me go eventually. Does that make me a needy person because I want to hold on? I think it could be an issue that my longest friendship has lasted 2 years tops. 

          And I fear that time is drawing to a close on the friendship that means most to me. I will not be bitter. I will be strong. I will be happy and full of joy despite her gnawing absence. God has a way of providing exactly what and who we need at just the right moments, so I know this season is intentional…and maybe He’ll send someone new my way. And maybe He won’t… I’ll sing and dance in His love anyway. 

He mustn’t provide me with a friend for me to be completely fulfilled. He is all I need and He is all I want. Other blessings beside are simply a plus. (:

April 30, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Peace like a River

I love walking. Sometimes the walk to and from school can be a daunting trek and I don’t look forward to it. At those times I may decide to fill the silence with music and let my mind take a rest. However, I prefer to spend this time of solitude in prayer and meditation, and so much is revealed to me on these walks. 

    Today was the sort of day I have every so often…I get a little high off the world. Sounds odd…I know. But it is the best way I can describe it. Sometimes I will go for a while without much inspiration, and then BAM- every single little thing lights up my mind and I become almost giddy with excitement, racing to get to the computer or to a pen and paper, so that I can record my thoughts and emotions before they fade into the background. 

       The thoughts are like fireflies and they are very pretty and full of light, but I feel I must catch and bottle up at least a few of them or they will fly away. 

         Today my mind turned to what God has been doing for me lately, and I just lifted my heart up in worship as I thanked Him for His amazing grace in my life. My heart has been in so much turmoil and confusion- but He told me- it’s okay to feel lonely, to go through times of doubt and hardship. It doesn’t make you unfaithful or make me love you any less. I will hold your hand through it all, and I promise I will bring you out of this stronger and better. 

     And guess what? He did! I mean, it is a process, and it is ongoing, but right now I am so blessed to say that my heart is in a tranquil state. It was clouded with so much dirt and grime…confusion, shame, self loathing and loneliness, but He handed me a broom and a dust pan and said it was time for some spring cleaning. So He cleaned it up and in that new space He gave me…PEACE. 

       These days we talk about peace a whole lot. But I think we’ve talked about it so much we don’t even know what true peace is or what it looks like. There is no true peace apart from God, and I am so filled with joy that He has given me this peace. I know that I do not wrestle with uncertainty and doubt for naught–because staying faithful throughout this journey has been so worth it to find the peace on the other side. 

       He has filled me with so much joy with new friends in my life as well. They may not realize how nerdy I am that I am so excited about them… but He knows. It’s the little things that brighten my life and it’s the little things I remember. The humans we connect with are essential to our journey, and I believe every person that has come into my life, whether for a season or a lifetime, has a divinely important role to play in my life. And I in theirs. 

       I have a thankful heart and I look forward to the future and to the goals ahead!

April 20, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Pinot Grigio and Risotto- Mondays are my thang gurl

OH what a lovely Monday.

I am ever so blessed by new friends in my life. Honestly. I’m just thankful for that. 

Here I have been lately… sitting around lonely. And miserable. Because my other friends are just too busy or you know.. just can’t fit me in anymore. And God has provided me with new and exciting prospects! Fun fun fun. 

Mondays to some are quite dreary and manic, but I find them to be quite pleasant and on days like today- oh, extraordinary. I thought I would take a nap, but my racing mind has not allowed for such things of late. 

Instead, I got picked up by some gal pals and went to Trader Joe’s to pick up some ingredients. We made a delicious and exquisite risotto that was a delightful flavor infusion in the mouth. We topped it off with some Pinot Grigio, but decided that we would like some more. So we went round to get some and met an adorable newborn Pit named Taz at the store. What a precious little babe. 

   United States of Tara. Watched it for the first time. Quite fascinating. I enjoyed it. What a splendid way to start the week. Oh boy. I’m just all mellowed and fabulous and this thang is just startin up. Watch out dudes. It is 4/20.

April 20, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Cake Balls at a Picnic

Writing is my hobby and my passion… I have filled countless journals over the years, since I could first read and write. As a journalism major, I have always secretly held a grudge against the blogosphere. It wasn’t until I happened upon blogs like http://www.gypsygirlsguide.com/ and some really cool cooking blogs that I opened my mind and discovered that blogs encompass so much more beauty and inspiration of thought than citizen journalists striving for their moment in the limelight.

      So maybe someone will read this, and maybe the won’t. It doesn’t make much difference to me, since I usually keep these writings to myself anyway, does it?

       So where am I today? To begin, today I am young. And I believe that gives me an incredible advantage. This is not to say that much cannot be achieved, enjoyed, and appreciated in middle or old age, but I realize the breadth of opportunity that is available at the start of the journey is highly varied, while it tapers off toward the end.

         Today I am free. I don’t always feel so free. As young people often do, I feel somewhat trapped by where I’m at now. I have the heart of a gypsy, and my feet are itching to flee, but I accept too, that education opens doors, and while I may not be interested in knocking on some of them now, I might be visiting those doors in the future and I’d like to have something to offer the doorkeeper. So I’m here to ride it out and then catch the next wave. 

      My belief is this–I should not merely keep my head down and “get through” it, but live every day to its fullest and thoroughly live each day in the interim as if it were my last, because it’s not the final destination that counts (ok.. well you know what I mean) but the journey that leads you there. Who knows what beauty and thrills await me on this leg of the journey?

       I haven’t gone anywhere yet.. but theoretically, I am going places already. A year ago today, I never could have imagined what my life would be like now. Just one year ago. Could I have guessed that I would be spending the 9 month school year living alone and struggling with the loneliness that would accompany me? Who would have ever thought I would have gone through three coaches by this time and that I would deal with yet another injury? An entire relationship come and gone, and the beauty of its metamorphosis  yet glimmering on the horizon. Would I have expected that my dearest friends would become a couple of bachelors, nearly 11 years my junior? That my best friend on this earth would be embarking on the journey of a lifetime and leaving me for 2 years in this city? Would I have guessed I would be an aunt? 

       It is truly amazing to me to see how things change so quickly and how we never know what to expect. That’s what I love about life. Mystery entices me, because there’s something so fascinating about what we don’t know. So everyday can be wonderful-embracing the mystery that unfolds. 

        Baking some cake balls and off to a birthday gala at the park! God bless the beautiful spring time!

April 18, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.